Hello Kingdom Couples! We are Andre & Stephanie Baker and we are honored and excited to become contributors to the Submission a 2 Way Street Blog. Accepting this challenge wasn’t an easy decision. I wondered who would want to hear what we have to say and what gave us the authority to speak on marriage, family, or faith. Then the Holy Spirit reminded me that we all have a testimony and that we are to share it. ; Revelation 12:11 “And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony.” Today we are tackling the topic of Blended Families. Blended families have been around for a long time. At the risk of dating myself, I remember watching the Brady Bunch faithfully. Though the term, “blended” wasn’t used to describe the Brady’s that is indeed what they were. They were presented to us with a cute little theme song that really didn’t give us much of the back story. Carol was raising three little girls and Mike, a widower, raising three boys. {Side note: In doing research for this piece I found out that the creator of The Brady Bunch initially wanted Carol to be a divorcée, however , the studio objected to that premise. It was feared it would be unseemly to highlight divorce on television in 1969-1974.} My how times have changed! In a sitcom, the “back story” can be tailored, cleaned up, and designed anyway the writers choose. The truth is, in real life the back stories can be messy, unflattering, and difficult, but in the end, Soooo worth it!
Merriam-Webster’s dictionary defines the word blended this way: to exist together as a combination; to form a harmonious combination that goes well together, is in tune and compliments all parts. Andre and I have a blended family. I won’t lie and say we got it all right from the start; But God! He kept his hand on our marriage and our family. The journey to where we are today was filled with hills and valleys, twists and turns, but the glue that held it all together was faith and love. Before I give you the breakdown I have to say this; it is the biggest compliment to me and my husband when people that we’ve interacted with for quite some time are genuinely shocked to learn that we are a blended family. We don’t dwell on the “his, mine and ours”, we don’t use the terms stepchild or step-parent, and we don’t think of ourselves in that way. Andre has two sons (Andre Jr. and Rakim), I have a daughter (Briana) from previous relationships, and we have our youngest son (Alex) together. I met and fell in love with Andre when his boys were 3 and 5 years old and my daughter was 6. After a few dates, we were inseparable and we knew that we had something special so we brought the children into the equation. All was well until the fateful day that Andre Jr. went home and referred to me as “mom”. We were not married yet and his biological Mother (Kim- now deceased) was not pleased and took her anger and frustration out on him. I would say this was the beginning of a turbulent period I’ll call “SHAKEN”. When the adults in any situation behave poorly it causes strife, confusion and anxiety for the children. It damages them in ways that cannot be seen with the naked eye. It disrupts their innocence and forever changes their psyche. Although this period was extremely hard on them and my husband, he was a rock! From that day forward he never ever said a bad word about Kim, never tried to poison them against her, and insisted that their well-being had to be our focus. We had to be mindful that the children were innocent in our adult decisions. When they had “why” questions and they did, we had to keep the conversations appropriate for their age and try not to pit one parent against the other. We ensured them that our decisions were made with their well-being as our primary focus. They may not have liked or understood them then, but they came to respect and even admire them now. Moving from shaken to “STIRRED”... Eventually Andre went to court and was awarded full custody of the boys. We were newlyweds with now 4 children in the home and an ex that was bitter and in self- destruct mode. I wished that as women she and I could at the very least co-exist and at best co-parent keeping the children’s well-being as our focus. It was a challenge! It felt like I was the evil step-mother and that everyone was against me. During this adjustment period I prayed for wisdom and patience. I wanted my husband to be on my level of upset and get mad! Thank God he was the adult in the situation. He and I sat down and had an open and honest discussion about our situation, our feelings, and our plan of action in a non-judgment zone. He listened to my heart and he heard me with his. One very crucial decision we made was to present a united front while in the presence of the children. We never overruled one another or voiced disagreement with the other’s decision in front of the kids. Don’t be fooled, even young children can sense discord and attempt to capitalize on it; in plain English… they will divide and conquer IF you let them! While their well-being is critical, you must stay on guard for them trying to manipulate the situation to their benefit by trying to use guilt trips and even trying to play on your intelligence. They have to know that your spouse is important and together you are a unit; stand strong and let them know that the two of you are one and cannot be divided. Now behind closed doors was another story. We’ve had many discussions, some heated, about how to handle behavioral issues to punishments and everything in between. In the end, it called for give and take and choosing battles wisely. It’s not worth winning a short term battle that ultimately costs you the war. I can tell you that now, but in the thick of things, I know I was difficult and demanding… and WRONG! I can own that I came from a strict upbringing where my Father ruled with a stern hand. It’s probably why I unwittingly made an inner vow to “never let my husband tell me what to do.” Looking back at that mindset now I see how foolish I was! I was out of order and certainly not submitting to God’s design of order within the family. As I’ve continued to learn and grow in Christ I realize that if my marriage is to honor God and reflect the covenant, I have to let go of control and trust Him to work everything together for our good. I have to submit to my husband’s leadership. I had this Ah-Ha moment when we studied Ephesians 5 with our Marriage Matters Ministry in the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. If you are married, soon to be married or want to be married and haven’t read it go get it today. Ladies, your husband NEEDS your respect, as much as we NEED our husband’s affection/protection/provision. That shoe fits tight, but it’s RIGHT!! If you can’t say amen on that today, just say ouch and strive to do better. Fast forward to 2016; our children are now 24, 22, 21, and 18 and we are a BLENDED family! Does that mean we have it all together all of the time? Absolutely not! Our blended means that we love without condition, we hold each other accountable, and we grow together through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Honestly, if you were to ask our children if they feel that they were treated differently by either parent they may tell you yes. I say that’s ok and I believe that happens in non-blended families too. Each of our children is unique and requires parenting, support and a specific love language from both parents that helps them to be the best they can be. I’ve embraced that I’m the disciplinarian and Andre is the voice of calm, reason, and humor. During the early years I resented the role I felt I was placed in. I felt that one of us had to be the bad guy and it seemed to be me more often than not. I wanted to be the “fun” parent sometimes, but later I realized that both styles were necessary and it created balance in our home and in our children. We were Godly blessed to be granted the opportunity to be caretakers of these souls; entrusted with the task of pouring into them to help shape and mold them into Kingdom citizens. They mean too much to us and more importantly to God to send them into the world without preparation, discipline, faith and The Lord as their ANCHOR. While the specifics of your story may be different than ours I believe that the challenges, struggles, and ultimately victories are the same. Keep believing and striving to make your family work; with God all things are possible. There will be good days and bad days just stay committed and make your personal relationship with God the CENTER of everything. Admit that you are struggling and ask Him for guidance. Many days I’ve had to meditate and rely on 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NKJV) And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” If it all seems to be too much, do not be afraid or ashamed to seek family counseling. In retrospect, I wish that we had done so. Can you imagine the internal struggle a child must feel if the other parent makes them feel like a traitor for loving the step-parent? Don’t let your children endure that. If family therapy is cost-prohibitive seek spiritual counsel at your church. As we near the end of 2016 we thought blended families would be a timely topic as the holidays can add a whole new set of tensions to your blended world if you’re not prepared. If you are a piece of a blended family puzzle, let me offer you some tips that worked for us (some of which we had to learn the hard way) and what we now know for sure:
Choose joy, Believe you’re blessed, and Be salt and light in this world! Andre & Stephanie
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